Subtle Vengeance

It’s not part of my style. It’s a compulsion. I hide it very well, but I am a lifetime sufferer of a rare genetic disorder. I have Tourette’s Syndrome.

A syndrome is described as a “suite of disorders.” I’ve always rather liked that term. Tourette’s Syndrome manifests as a set of involuntary habits or “tics.” Not to be confused with “ticks,” but just as annoying if you take away the lyme disease. You’ve seen it badly represented on TV and in movies. I think I’ve seen one television program get Tourette’s right. That’s kind of sad, when you think about it, because it would be so easy to fake.

I was diagnosed at a very young age – around the 6-8 range. Our GP did not believe in TS (a common attitude even as recently as the 80s), so I was referred to a specialist with a diagnosis of asthma. They gave me that diagnosis because at the time one of my tics was making little grunting sounds in the back of my throat. I was put on Clonidine, an antihypertensive, and sent about my life. So now I had a genetic disease AND a downer pill to take 4 times a day!

Obviously, I don’t take it anymore. I learned to control myself, at least enough so that people don’t notice unless they know what to look for. Externally, I may seem a little fidgety, but you’d never guess I’m one of them. Maybe it’s because I don’t cuss all the time.

Oh, by the way, the cussing thing? Superbly rare. It’s just the funniest one, so it gets TV time.

Still, it poses problems. I have sores up and down my arms from picking at skin blemishes – acne, ingrown hairs, whatever. My nephews think they’re “funny freckles.” It’s embarrassing as all hell. I constantly do things symmetrically. If I scratch my right side I have to scratch my left side. I count everything. EVERYTHING. I just counted the letters in the word ‘everything.’

There are small phrases running around my brain which I made up when I was less than nine years old. Almost 2 decades and I’m still thinking the same thoughts! Have you any idea how maddening that can be??

these two lines have been in my head for most of my life:

“of course, however” thing-thing-of-course-comma-however-thing-thing
, (of course), comma-spacebar-bracket-of-course-bracket-comma-space

Imagine if the parts in bold were looping in your voice into your ear for your whole life.

I separate everything into ons and offs, and then try to balance them equally or with one more on than off.

right is on, left is off. consonants on, vowels off. punctuation off, unless i need it to balance, in which case i choose a type to be on, like the comma.

words 3 letters and longer on, shorter words off. (if I don‘t have time to count letters)
on off on on on off off on on on off off off off on off off on on off on off
that line worked nicely… i didn’t even mean to do that.

And my wife wonders why I’m sometimes inattentive or scatterbrained…

The thing is, none of it is unconscious. They always tell you it’s unconscious. Bullshit. I’m aware of everything I do. I just… need to do it. Right now I feel a need to scratch my eyebrows. One is itchy. Scratching both is the thing I needed to do as I wrote that last sentence, and doing so was incredibly fulfilling.

If anyone you know suffers from Tourette’s, ADD, ADHD, OCD, or any other similar behavioral disorders, try to be understanding. Look the other way when they do something gross or distracting. Be supportive.

Trust me, we need it.

1. Tozetre says:

   December 15, 2009 at 07:26

   You are fully on my list of people to call when I need software tested.