Subtle Vengeance

I spent the end of High School and the beginning of University as a man of Science. I decided that the Supernatural and I could peacefully go our separate ways. While I accepted the possibility of God, I did not worship or acknowledge it.

I also entered what could only be described as a cycle of depression and boredom.

Moving out and going to school alone was a big drain on me. My classmates were a hell of a lot better than before, yes, but there were a lot of other demands on me, and the stress was difficult to vent. And I do have to vent stress – I learned that the hard way years before. More on that later.

I began to entertain darker and darker thoughts to cope with my feelings. I fantasized about destruction, about hurting people. I once near-hallucinated that the whiteboard had exploded and sliced up everyone in my classroom. That officially scared me. I decided that I needed to do something to bring my mind under control.

I spent some time in thought about this. I knew Christianity was not for me. There was very little question there; I had never really felt it even when I’d tried to believe. Being a culturally-deprived white boy, I had few other options. I looked into Buddhism and Shinto, since I was very into Japanese culture at the time, and both had some great ideas, but I had no resources to pursue them. On a whim, and out of love for Alyson Hannigan, I took a shot in the dark at Wicca.

I ordered this book. I don’t even remember why this one in particular, but it’s a damn lucky thing I did. Scott Cunningham is basically the most often recommended author for newbie Wiccans. His books all make a hell of a lot of sense and are a great resource for practitioners and for those curious about their crazy witch friends.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The entire internet sings the praises of this book, myself included. But please keep in mind if you read it: it is a very “friendly” introduction to Wicca. Wicca, like many Pagan paths, is a religion of Balance; its dogma demands that you accept and work with both negative and positive forces. If you meet some flighty silly person who talks about how everything is good and light and nobody should ever hurt anybody, they are Wiccan in name only. Yes, Wiccans believe in a form of Karma, but the serious practitioners are not above carrying out their own vengeance for wrongs done against them, be it in the mundane world with connivery, or in the metaphysical by slinging a big ol’ curse your way. Help the pagan community in your area: just say “no” to fluffy-bunny white-light wicca.I’ll rant more about this another day.

Anyway, two things happened that week in early December which had a profound impact on me: I found a girlfriend (albeit an internet one), and I found the Goddess. Well, the God/Goddess couple archetype as a metaphor for the vaguer Divinity which created the Universe of itself. You get the point. Anyway, now I had reasons to go on even when I felt I couldn’t. No more Emo! Yay!

I threw myself into my new faith with both feet first. It wasn’t long before I was meeting other Pagans for coffee, going to a regular Pagan study group, participating avidly in online discussions… I even got involved in an “open” circle – that is, a group which performs rituals on the Wiccan holidays and is open to the public. The trouble is, the Pagan community online has some amazing people, the the “local” community is take-what-you-get. Especially back in 2001-2001 when this was happening, and especially in Calgary. There were people who were paranoid about Christians having them arrested. In fact a lot of Pagans have a chip on their shoulder about Christians, needlessly. Another topic I’ll address later. There was a lot of petty childishness and a LOT of infighting.

So I left the community. I never left my faith, but I let it lapse from my mind. I called myself “Eclectic Pagan” – a legitimate title, honest – and went about minding my own business.

That was probably around 2003. It would not be until the second half of 2009 that I found the fire again.

1. Tozetre says:

   December 10, 2009 at 07:36

   Arrested? Seriously? Under what charges, Excessive Foundation? Being Annoying In Public? Tammy Fae Baker would have gone under first, if those were criminal.
2. James says:

   December 10, 2009 at 14:11

   heh.
   Sadly, there have been instances in the more conservative american states (think of places like utah, alabama, carolina) of pagans being attacked legally by fundamentalists. they will make outrageous claims (“they’re devil-worshipping child pornographers!”) in order to have businesses closed, events cancelled, or children taken from their families. It is on the decline these days (except in africa but thats a different story entirely), but it is still an issue for some people. This is why you have to be over 18 to join 95% of pagan organizations. the last thing anyone wants to deal with is yet another screaming misinformed parent.
   sadly this often results in uninformed teens teaching each other poorly, creating great big cliques of “i own a teen witch book” wiccans who really dont know their shit and make the rest of us look awful.
3. Tozetre says:

   December 11, 2009 at 07:29

   Hah, wow. Very nearly blood libel. That’s why I’m usually suspicious of people who describe themselves as “fundamentalists,” they typically end up holding doctrine to be more important than people.

   It’s a good solution, the 18 thing, but the problems that immediately result, yes, I can see how that sort of “ruins it for everyone else.” Kinda like anime, really. I mean, obviously not in the spiritual sense, but in the “OMG KAWAII NEKO” crowd sort of drowning out the rational adults who discuss literary themes and the development of the form.