Subtle Vengeance

Okay, I had hoped to leave this topic for a little while, but my friends, my wife, and my muse are all pushing me into it. So here it goes:

Religion.

Heavy word, that. It carries with it the promise of offense, arguments, and hard feelings, especially on the internet. But it’s also an important part of our lives. Our faith – or lack thereof – defines who we are. It touches every facet of our lives and can be seen in every choice we make.

I want to talk about my religion. I want to tell all of you – voyeurs and loved ones alike – who I am and where I come from.

Ancient History (mine)

I come from a pretty typical upbringing. In my youth, I was a member of an idyllic nuclear family. Mom, Dad, older sister, and me. We followed the faith of my Father, which was the faith of his family. As such, I learned my early lessons in a Lutheran church on Sundays.
I was very happy as a Lutheran. We went to a more liberal church, very light on the hellfire. It was an hour or so of singing and positive energy. God loves us, we love God, so we all love each other. Peace be with you! Great stuff.

After my parents’ divorce (6th grade for those keeping track), Mom and I stopped really bothering with church. It was Dad’s initiative; Mom was, at that time, not a very spiritual person. My sister, Lisa, kept up with it and was even on track to become a pastor herself for a time.

During high school, a little birdie whispered to a few of the extended family that I had never undergone Lutheran Confirmation. I started hearing questions about this – what was the wait all about? Was I in classes? They were looking forward to getting together to celebrate another member of the congregation. I felt a little guilty about that, so I immediately enrolled in Confirmation classes.

The classes were interesting. I was hoping to meet some new people and study together, really get to the meat of this whole “Bible” thing. Well, my hopes were dashed. The other members of my class were the same jerks who had been torturing me at school for a good three or four years!

But I persevered. I found a quiet corner and read my passages. I filled in the blanks on my study questions, and I wrote down the things I needed to clarify. I was really starting to learn about the faith and what it really meant.

The trouble is, I was there for the wrong reason. They tell you right away, and over and over, that Confirmation is a serious step. “Confirmation is the act of confirming your faith and devoting your life to God.” “You need to be here because you believe. If you are here because someone else pressured you to be here, then you are here for the wrong reasons.” So, little by little, doubt started to creep in. I knew I had started the class for the wrong reason. I also knew I liked learning, so that part was okay. I hated the rest of the class. Camp was hell. And ultimately, I just couldn’t find the Faith to believe enough to pull myself through.

I told my Scoutmasters I was quitting the Scouts because of Confirmation, then I stopped going to Confirmation class.

I did not yet know the word, but I was at that moment an Agnostic.